Tell your story with accurate words
We end up telling our story to people from time to time. I am unsure about your feeling, but when I think about providing this intimate information about myself, a few questions are frequently at the forefront of my mind: 1) Will this change their feelings about me? 2) Will this make them unreasonably uncomfortable? 3) How will I present the information? Vaguely or Specifically? If I decide to proceed, I will likely tell the story in a vague straightforward fashion laced with terminology that experts in the field have deemed appropriate.
I would take this approach for two reasons. Firstly, I must admit that I protect myself while judging the listeners respond to the vague story; if they respond well, I may share details with them in the future. Secondly, I try to lessen the listener's discomfort. I think a portion of this mindset is due to the lingering grooming process. One of the central tenants of grooming is secrets. So to divulge information about the topic still produces in me deep-seated anxiety; to counterbalance this, I use acceptable words. Although this approach seems protective of my grooming, it does not seem to aid me in healing. Nor does it assist the listener in understanding the pain I endured. The listener should be able to have empathy and then reach out to a fellow human to comfort. Therefore, I have challenged myself in safe situations to share my story without using 'appropriate terminology' to discuss the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I have noticed that this technique helps to deprogram my grooming. It is not an easy technique to work on, though; the first time I shared some of my story with my true words, I had an immense emotional reaction. I felt shame, I felt exposed all over again, and I felt the same sick feeling in my stomach as I did when I was young and at the height of my grooming. However, as I continue to use these words, I do notice healing.
With this in mind, when you feel safe, please consider using the most exact words you can when telling your story. It is challenging to do this, but remember that the 'socially accepted' words given to us by experts tend to allow others, as well as ourselves, to gloss over the emotion that our story should evoke. With this idea in mind, I will give a quick overview of my story in two distinct ways to demonstrate the emotional difference between the use of 'expert' terminology and the truth from my perspective.
I was groomed and molested for five years. The pedophile that perpetrated this crime ended up serving nine years for the abuse. I was in counseling after the trial for a few years, and I have moved on with my life while continuing to make strides to heal the impacted facets of my life. I enjoy many things in life, but this challenging time has been scarring.
Again, before reading on, please check your emotion. Do those words evoke emotion? Try this now:
My stepfather married my mom when I was eight years old. He spent time with me and taught me about his hobbies. He bought me things. He took me for ice cream. I was the center of his world, and I loved that attention. Eventually, he asked me to kiss him, and then he tried to touch my body, and even though I was only nine years old, I knew it was wrong, but he did it anyway. After a while, he raped me, and then I was continuously raped for five years whenever he felt like it. He continued to treat me exceptionally well as long as I was complying but told me if I told on him, he would kill my animals and harm my mother. He made sure that I understood that he was serious. I kept quiet because even though I hated what he was doing to me, I was terrified that he would harm my animals and mother, and I liked to feel special and gain attention. I have come a long way in my healing journey, but it is evident that the scar from being manipulated and continuously raped remains.
Did this description of my story produce more emotion in you as a listener? It was significantly more manageable for me to write the first version than the second one. That is the case because it exposes the bitter truth of my childhood reality and forces my mind to come to terms with it, producing healing. It also helps the listener understand the pain, which evokes empathy. Without an empathetic response, a listener may move on and believe that this unpleasant event that is in the past has little impact today. It may produce a more shallow response, leaving you feeling alone and exposed. This type of response will get me to throw up a protective wall. Therefore, I encourage you to share your story as clearly as possible; for your healing and to deepen relationships. However, when you do not feel safe, I encourage you to tell your story with words that protect you. Be patient and kind with yourself as you work on this technique; it is extremely difficult. As you work on this, I hope further healing is induced.
"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be. - P.C. Hodgell
Sending a hug and love to you.